It's not like me to expose so much of my personal struggles on this blog. As you now know, the death of my sis, and it's own bundle of angst, hits me hard. Though it's difficult to say what long term effects may eventually come of it, I have been handed a few philosophical revelations I have yet to sort out.
That said, in the future I may expound on those.

Fair warning: I'm no philosopher. And I don't intend to play one in Blog Life, either. So if some of my ramblings, should I ever get to rambling them, come off as silly, stupid, or profound, it would be purely the 'monkey and a typewriter' thing. Not asking for anybody to 'go easy' on me. Just that it all be taken worth a grain of salt.

Some benefits this site offers is the opportunity to unload some of the pain and frustration (so as to make room for more), a chance to speak to myself in my own voice, to organise my feelings into thoughts,thoughts into words, the words provide affirmation, affirmation being a pillar I can lean on.
I'm not one of those "I emote, therefore I am" personality types, so just bear with me as I go through this for a (hopefully short) while.

I know that those of you who've come to know me by now don't really expect to see this Oxygen Network type stuff, but at the moment, it's about all I have.
And most importantly, for me, I have to let it out.

Today, I finally got to the impound yard to see the truck, and most importantly, to clear out whatever personal affects Mary had in there.
Since a death was involved, standard practice to to hold the vehicle in a secured yard pending full mechanical evaluation/investigation as to causes of the incident.
It's taken this long, nearly two weeks, until an officer was available to escort me. On an hour's notice, I hit the highway and drove the 60+ miles to meet with him.
I know it sounds stupid, and I feel stupid because of it, but I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was.
Severe head trauma. I knew that.
Crushed skull. I knew that.
Putting two and two together should have told me as much, but I wasn't prepared for all the residue everywhere, on everything I touched.
I didn't freak out or anything. I just slouched there in the cab and cried for few minutes.
Now I can't get the image of my sis, slumped there, in all of that, out of my head.
And what hurts is the fact that I wasn't there for her, to comfort or cradle her at that moment when she needed me the most.

I just keep reminding myself that it was quick. She most likely didn't feel a thing. And didn't need me anyway because she was already not there.
And I'll keep it to myself, and tell Mom and Dad nothing.