Tuesday, May 20, 2008

It's not like me to expose so much of my personal struggles on this blog. As you now know, the death of my sis, and it's own bundle of angst, hits me hard. Though it's difficult to say what long term effects may eventually come of it, I have been handed a few philosophical revelations I have yet to sort out.
That said, in the future I may expound on those.

Fair warning: I'm no philosopher. And I don't intend to play one in Blog Life, either. So if some of my ramblings, should I ever get to rambling them, come off as silly, stupid, or profound, it would be purely the 'monkey and a typewriter' thing. Not asking for anybody to 'go easy' on me. Just that it all be taken worth a grain of salt.

Some benefits this site offers is the opportunity to unload some of the pain and frustration (so as to make room for more), a chance to speak to myself in my own voice, to organise my feelings into thoughts,thoughts into words, the words provide affirmation, affirmation being a pillar I can lean on.
I'm not one of those "I emote, therefore I am" personality types, so just bear with me as I go through this for a (hopefully short) while.

I know that those of you who've come to know me by now don't really expect to see this Oxygen Network type stuff, but at the moment, it's about all I have.
And most importantly, for me, I have to let it out.

Today, I finally got to the impound yard to see the truck, and most importantly, to clear out whatever personal affects Mary had in there.
Since a death was involved, standard practice to to hold the vehicle in a secured yard pending full mechanical evaluation/investigation as to causes of the incident.
It's taken this long, nearly two weeks, until an officer was available to escort me. On an hour's notice, I hit the highway and drove the 60+ miles to meet with him.
I know it sounds stupid, and I feel stupid because of it, but I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was.
Severe head trauma. I knew that.
Crushed skull. I knew that.
Putting two and two together should have told me as much, but I wasn't prepared for all the residue everywhere, on everything I touched.
I didn't freak out or anything. I just slouched there in the cab and cried for few minutes.
Now I can't get the image of my sis, slumped there, in all of that, out of my head.
And what hurts is the fact that I wasn't there for her, to comfort or cradle her at that moment when she needed me the most.

I just keep reminding myself that it was quick. She most likely didn't feel a thing. And didn't need me anyway because she was already not there.
And I'll keep it to myself, and tell Mom and Dad nothing.


Brian said...

I'm reading. Emote all you need to.

BarnGoddess said...

I am reading as well! unload, thats what blogs are for.

Bike Bubba said...

Let it out; I'll mourn with you, too. Not like you're mourning, of course, but I'll do my best, and pray for your comfort.

I don't think I could have even sat in the cab in such a situation. Well done.

Tracy said...

When my niece's husband was run over by a car and killed I had combed over the scene days later and found one of his shoes in the ditch. To this day if I see a shoe on the road I get sick to my stomach.

You have a caring heart and it feels so powerless to be where something happened and not be in a position to help or comfort...I know in my head this kind of stuff is out of our control but man it hurts so much sometimes.

Mark Heuring said...


There's no good or easy way to handle what you're going through right now, and I can assure you that no one can be prepared for what you saw. But talking/writing about it is a good thing to do. You will make your way through this experience better because you are sharing your pain. And like the others said, I'm reading.

Jade said...

It's best to get it out Gino... if you don't want to tell your folks that is one thing, but don't keep it all completely in. Don't think of it as Oxygen Network stuff... you are a caring human being... everyone needs an outlet.

Kristopher said...


We are your friends and I wouldn't want you to not let this out. Everyone who is posting here cares deeply for you.

While I cannot comprehend your feelings at the moment since I've not experienced the same, I can totally empathize that seeing such destruction to the vehicle would make you feel that much more devastated for your sister.

Nobody expects anyone we know or love to go in a violent way, whether vehicle accident or killer. We're all supposed to die at such an old age we eventually want to die.

No matter, grieving is natural and your sister was lucky to have you for a brother.


kr said...

: (.

Sometimes, I think states need more money--so they can have reasonable care precautions for times like this ... maybe warn you to bring your pastor or a good friend along :(.

So so sorry ..

Leo Pusateri said...

I have four siblings, and cannot imagine your loss...

My prayers are with you and yours...