Sunday, September 30, 2007

Sorry, It's All I Got

The Three Little Pigs - Sicilian Style:
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up.

The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down."

The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats.

These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they tied cement blocks around his feet, threw his sorry ass into the creek' and then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!!

"Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Why Islam Never Really Caught On In Italy...

I'd say this pretty much sums it up.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Better Seen...

Alicia Silverstone is in the news lately for a sexy,nudish video/advertisement she's done for PETA. Apparently, there is some controversy over it, and it has been banned in parts of Texas.Well, not exactly banned. It appears some local stations won't air it for being too suggestive. That's Texas for you. They get kinda weird over there.

In my opinion, the nudity ain't that much, and doesn't show much either. It's just a teaser video, basically, and contains a voice over of Alicia talking about her healthy vegetarian/vegan lifestyle. Don't worry, there are no pink parts on display, so this is SFW, seeing as how it was intended for network television.

I'm assuming the purpose is to convince us all to eat more broccoli and tofu or something like that.

Watch the video below, and see if it makes you crave a salad bar:

Screw the broccoli.

I want a taco.
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Cheesehead.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Cheeseheads too.

No one really knowing what a Cheesehead was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen who has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Cheesehead."

"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"Why, I'm a proud Bears Fan," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a rebel.

"Well, my mom and dad are Bears Fans, so I'm a Bears Fan too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be a Cheesehead"

Monday, September 24, 2007

Hope On The Horizon?

"Coach Lovie Smith hinted Monday that he has already decided whether to replace Rex Grossman with veteran backup Brian Griese..."

To be sure, it wasn't all Grossman, but hopefully replacing the leader of the offense will help us to actually have an offense.

Friday, September 21, 2007

The Brave One: Movie Review

Staring Jodie Foster, The Brave One is a story about a gal in New York who is victimized by a violent mugging that leaves her fiance dead, and herself almost dead.
Awaking from a coma some time later, she attempts to regain her life and ends up turning vigilante, a la Charles Bronson in Death Wish I thru XX (or however many of them he made.) In a promotional interview I read, Foster claimed it was the best movie she's done in years. Sounded like a winner to me, so I went for it.
Bad move on my part.

This film could have been so much more. Fine performances by the cast. Excellent , and wasted, performance by Miss Foster. But not put together well at all.
The first hour really sucked. It was slow and boring, waaaay too much soul searching and emoting. I almost got up and left, it was that bad. Then I remembered I spent $10.50 to see this turkey, and was determined to see it through.

At about the half-way point of the movie, with all the dramatic chickish stuff out of the way, the pace began to pick up and actually started to get interesting. Tis a pity a guy had to pay full price to see half a flick.
Eventually, Miss Foster gets around to killing some bad guys, but for some goofy- Hollywood-dramatic reason is feeling guilty about it all. I'm thinkin "Hey Lady, that thug just threatened to fuck you with a knife on the subway. What you feeling guilty about?"

Some other problems with the film:
It's rather unlikely that a gal the size of Jodie Foster's skinny character, who's never held a gun before, is going to be able to handle a 9mm with such ease.
Also, considering the level of damage done to this gal's face with a steel pipe during her beat down, she was surprisingly scar free.

I always thought Jodie Foster was better than this, but to describe The Brave One as "Death Wish with Boobs" is a disservice to Death Wish,for the ultra low class Bronson movies were far superior.

My advice: rent a real Death Wish movie.
Or,if you really have to see this film, show up an hour late. You won't be missing anything.

The Beauty In My World

Last night I took Daughter southward to San Diego to see The Smashing Pumpkins. She's a big fan, and this was a birthday present for her. Driving a hundred miles for this show was a bit much, but what the hell? If it makes me her Hero again for a night, then it's worth it.

The show was good overall, but tended to lag in the middle. The Pumpkin's music is heavily studio created and impossible to recreate live, so I wasn't expecting the perfection of sound I've come to know them for. And I was right.
But the energy level was there, along with a well synchronised light show.
Daughter was thrilled.
I was the Hero.
And all is right in the world.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Taking Stupid To The Next Level

Yeah, they don't get much stupider than this. Starring Burt Reynolds and Sally Field.
As if doing stupid on film wasn't enough, Silly Sally shows us that stupid is not always curable, and managed to get herself censored in one of the world's stupidest awards ceremonies.

It's always comically sad when celebrities attempt politics. I think it's because they expend so much energy faking everything (it's called acting), that it's just hard to say anything sensible at all when somebody else isn't writing your lines for you. Dare I say: Sally's biggest achievement is that she could still pick up 30-somethings at age 60.

"And, let's face it, if the mothers ruled the war, there would be no (expletive) wars in the first place,"

Maybe she's never heard of Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi or Margaret Thatcher, the three most prominent woman rulers of the last 50yrs, all of whom have waged crushingly victorious wars, and presided over the development of nuclear arsenals during their tenures?

The important acts of some women can be seen and heard across the geo-political globe.

Others who act important should just be seen and not heard.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

My Ten Favorite Movies

I picked this idea up from RW: To list my ten favorite movies.

In keeping with the idea, please note: these are my favorite movies. The ones I have copies of and actually still watch when I want to.
This is not, and is not intended to be, a list of all time greatest films. Some of these have won awards,while some were never worthy of any. These are just my personal favorites, emphasis on personal. I've left several off the list for brevity. Maybe I should do another posting about them others. Maybe. We'll see how this one goes first.

Rocky: His whole life was a million-to-one shot. You know the story.

There's Something About Mary:I generally avoid comedies, but this one is just too goddamned funny.

A Clockwork Orange: "the adventures of a young man who's principle interests are rape,ultra-violence and Beethoven". Much can be said about this cult favorite, but I especially love the poetry of it. From beginning to end, pure poetry!

The Professional/Leon:Originaly released stateside as 'The Professional', and later known as 'Leon'(I think this was the overseas title), and now they just put both titles together. Inspired by,and based on, a marginal character (The Cleaner) from the classic La Femme Nikita. It's become a Father-Daughter night favorite in my house.

Irreversible: This is pure art house. I've watched it 20 times. The film plays in reverse, opening with the last scene, leaving the viewer wondering just what brought him to this point. It takes you on a journey that is about love,brutality and revenge. And the camera doesn't blink. Not once. I'll say it again. The camera doesn't blink. I saw this in theater, and after the opening(ending) credits rolled over the screen, the audience, myself included, just sat there in stunned silence. This is a powerful film, unlike any other, and NOT for sissies or children.(French, with subtitles.)

Braveheart: You know this one, so you also know why.

Excalibur: The legend of King Arthur, done right, with all the magic and romanticism , with out over done special effects.

Rob Roy: a Scottish themed swashbuckler released at the same time as Braveheart, and unfortunately overshadowed by Mel Gibson's chest-thumping extravaganza. But bigger is not always better. In my view, this is a far better work, both dramatically and artistically.

True Romance:from Tarantino. A wild, romantic, violent ride, without apologies. True romance was never like this. Watch it, and then listen to your inner Elvis.

Unforgiven: my kind of western, where there are no white hats or black hats. Just a whole lotta grey hats.

Before Sunrise/Until Sunset: OK, it's actually two films, the sequel done nine years after the original. About two twenty-somethings who meet on a train in Europe, and spend the day getting to know each other intellectually and emotionally while killing time til the next departure. Shot on location in Vienna, 95% of the film consists of the couple strolling and conversing, baring their souls to each other with the streets of Vienna as a backdrop. That's it. Just two actors. Nobody else. And the sequel lives up to the original.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Product Testing: Diet Pepsi Max

My soft drink of choice has been Diet Pepsi for as long as I can remember.
So, naturally, my curiosity was whetted when I saw the new Diet Pepsi Max, promoting itself as 'Invigorating Cola' right on the label.

Obviously, Pepsi is trying to tap further into the energy drink market. Like we really need another kind of energy drink.

A look at the label says this stuff has twice the caffeine (69mg) as Diet Pepsi, and it's laced with ginseng extract. Well,...OK.

Pouring myself a glass over ice. I notice it tastes less like Diet Pepsi and more like Diet Coke, but even worse than that. It has that saccharine-ish after taste that those of us old enough to remember can appreciate, or, in my case, not.

With a wince, I drink it up, and patiently await the promised invigoration.

(Hmmm, with ginseng. The magical root that cures ills and enhances libido.)
Well, I'm not feeling any more enhanced. Not yet, anyway.
Maybe it takes a while....


Nope. Still nothing.
Maybe I need another can.

Two cans down.
Still,not even an libidinous tingle.
But now I need to pee.

Running to the privy, I'm thinking "this must be where the invigoration comes in", 'cause I can't get there fast enough.
Outta my way!


Whew! I'm back.
Glad I didn't get the erection yet, or I'd still be up there.

Still waiting, I do a wiki on ginseng.
Oooh, not good.
One of panax ginseng's most common side-effects is the inability to sleep. Other side-effects include nausea, diarrhea(!), euphoria, headaches,epistaxis(!) , high blood pressure, low blood pressure, mastalgia, and vaginal bleeding(who? not me. hehe).

Seriously, all I hoped for was some useful measure of invigoration, and now I find myself under threat of uncontrolable leakage from both ends...

No thanks.
This shit not only tastes funny,but I think it's bad for me as well.

Pass on it, folks.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Three Quarters Into The Season...

and I've heard and seen enough about Peyton Manning.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

I'm On Board

"We need a new foreign policy that says we mind our own business, protect our country and defend our borders."

Ron Paul
GOP Debate
New Hampshire
September 5,2007

Monday, September 03, 2007

Put The Candles Down, And Back Away From The Car Slowly

This afternoon, while I was shooting down the highway a dove flew out from a grassy area just off the shoulder, swerved into my lane, and before I had a chance to react, made thumping contact with my windshield.
Poor thing got rear-ended at 85mph, just slightly to the right of being face to ass with my sight of vision.

Naturally, it left a large dusty, and slighly moist, smudge in it's wake.

By the time I got home, and the sun had gone down, it was clearly visible against the dim-light background, closely resembling a holographic image of the Holy Spirit.
The detail is amazing.

It looks kinda like this:

Minus the three rings,of course.

I guess in the morning I gotta get out there and clean my windshield again, before some Hispanic sees it and starts lighting candles on the hood of my car.

"It's Like Disneyland In Here!"

Last July, Bass Pro Shops
finally got around to opening a store close enough for me to get to. About an hour's drive away, in a not too nearby place called Rancho Cucamonga.

Today, I finally got around to checking it out for myself.

I've only been to one Bass Pro before, and that was a spectacular center in Springfield,Missouri, almost a decade ago. So, yeah, this latest has been a long time coming for me.
Southern California is not known for its hunting and fishing culture, so stores and attractions such as these are a rare treat. That said, I made my trek to my destination two counties over and wasn't disappointed.

Parking was a bitch, and the place was packed. Negotiating my way through the human throng, I managed to spend four glorious hours immersed in my own thoughts and fantasies; checking out the outdoor clothing, T-shirts, guns and knives, bows and crossbows, assorted gear and outdoor grills, boats ... and the never ending supply of mounted animals and fish, from the small herd of mountain goats along the wall to the flock of wild ducks up near the ceiling. Hundreds of mounts. Everywhere.

If you hunt,fish,camp or hike, or just think about doing these things, this is the place to be.

As I was checking out the crossbows, a septuagenarian couple approached me and asked if i knew where the 'camping stuff' was. After I directed them in the general direction, the woman exclaimed, almost as in shock, "It's like Disneyland in here!"
I just smiled and said "Yeah, ain't great?"