Sunday, June 01, 2008

Yesterday, I drove Mom to the site of Mary's crash. I'd already been there, but Mom was moaning about not seeing it herself. She wasn't ready. Way too distraught and emotionally unmanagable, so I just flat out refused to take her.
She's recovered a little bit, somewhat, so I agreed to take her this weekend.

It wasn't bad. Mom was composed, and found some comfort in the location. A long, busy stretch of I-15, north of Escondido. Heavy traffic area, but at the same time, miles from anything. Located near the top of a large rise, presenting clear views of the valley on one side, and mountains on the other. A striking view point.

One of Mary's friends had marked the location with one of those cheesy roadside memorials. The difference being that this one wasn't so cheap looking. A white cross fashioned with inter-locking 4x4, her name etched prominently into the wood, with holes drill into the cross beams as bouquet holders. And planted deeply into the soil. Sturdy and well secured, this one won't be blowing away.

Well, as I approached the site with Mom, she could see the marker from nearly 2/10ths of a mile away. It was that visable from the curve in the highway leading up the location. There were fresh flowers already filling both holders, and a couple more offerings, from maybe a few days previous, laying on the ground at it's base. Clearly, her friends have been making regular visits and tending the site.
The one time I had visited, a fews days after her death, there was just a simple bundle of wilted roses in place. I took a few a pictures and left, never looking back.

Expecting Mom to go into one of her freak-out modes, which she can do over anything (I had mentioned that she was basically a wack job on a normal day), she surprised me.
She was (mostly)calm and at peace.
And stayed that way.

On the way home, she kept mentioning how scenic and serene the location was, and what a beatiful place to die. And how somebody keeps returning, and leaving flowers, and the effort it took to manufacture and place that marker so prominently, and how solid it was.
This meant something to her. That Mary may be gone, but she still lives in the memories and hearts of those she left behind. And not just family, but freinds as well. She had a lot of freinds, and I don't think they will be forgetting her any time soon. Mom found a small measure of healing in knowing that.

Meanwhile, I sill need to wait a couple more weeks to file claims for her 401k and Prudential policy.
Some online research gave me the answer as to why these money folks are making me wait 40 days: it's California law. Mary died intestate, as I mentioned earlier, and as a result, the law in this state says in such cases 40 days must lapse before any claims can be made or policies paid. Still not sure why, but at least I know the money folks are not just jacking me around.

Seems all the joy has been sucked out of life lately.
I'm hoping I get back to my normal self soon. So much to comment on, so many things to talk about out there in this crazy ass world.
But I just can't seem to feel like it.


Mark Heuring said...

It takes time. As horrible a thing as you are going through, joy will return. And peace, too. This visit with your mother is a sign of that. Hang in there, good sir.

Uncle Ben said...

Hang in there Gino. It takes time because she mattered so much.

Anonymous said...

aww...Gino, Dear, I'm so sorry. And I"m really sorry I didn't stop by here sooner to see you. In all our conversations, I do not recall you mentioning that you had a sister. I hope you are getting some solace from sharing and for what it's worth you have my poor prayers.

Jade said...

It may take a while to get back to "normal" but be patient - you need to reconcile and heal and it will take time. Sounds like the drive up was something your mom could use, it was good of you to take her.

Take care. :)

RW said...

I've been on that stretch of the Escondido freeway just last year, on the way from San Diego to Temecula. Made a kind of a joke how only in California could there be a traffic jam in the middle of no where.

I'm glad nature is taking it's usual course and healing is happening. It creeps along slow but it gets there. Trust me on that one.

BarnGoddess said...

time is what it takes...

Its a good feeling that mary's friends are remembering her.

Mick said...

She must have been a hell of a person to have such great freinds gino.

Girl, Dislocated said...

I use to drive on that stretch of I-15 when I lived in CA, and I agree with how your mom described it.

You really made a wise decision in holding off on taking her to the site. For your sake as well as hers. Like you said, she wasn't ready, and I doubt she could have found so much comfort in the serenity of the location or the way Mary's friends have been tending to the memorial had you taken her when she first asked.

Still praying...